My first love

It was always here.

My first love, in which my feelings awoke from the bowels of my innermost being.

The one that gave off the fragrance of innocence and playful curiosity of intense vibration, the one that tasted like the first time.

Other loves have passed through my life.

With some I was dazzled by their attractive physical appearance. With others, I was entertained by flattering words dressed in glitter and neon lights.

With all of them, I wasted great doses of energy, emotion and passion.

My delivery was frenetic and unbridled, so intense that it became incandescent until it burned any vestige of a serene encounter, until it set our bodies on fire with its scorching fire.

It was fun, exciting, intense… but, deep down, deeply exhausting.

In all those relationships, my longing heart was secretly searching for that great love story.

Fear of abandonment and rejection did not allow me to show that hidden desire, jealously guarded in my heart.

Instead of Soul Truth, my ego offered maddening warmth.

Yet, after every desperate search, not even a scrap of that great love story did I find.

I felt the emptiness that remains inside when in the excessive surrender I forgot myself, going in the wake of the comet with whom I barely shared an ephemeral moment.

I was blinded and dazzled by the instantaneous flash of its light that, intentionally, intended to captivate but never to remain shining in my sky.

I felt the heartbreak and confusion as the abandonment of these shooting stars, who were my relations, became apparent and their sudden disappearance from the universe I had created caused a desolate loneliness.

And yet, he was always here.

My first love, the one that always was, even before I knew it.

After so many adventures, I found him again at sea.

I groped towards his call, who wordlessly asked me to meet him.

At last, I understood that way of communicating with me, where the mind was silent and the heart in its feeling spoke in an arcane language.

I took a train to the Mediterranean, thinking that this encounter would be one of many where emotion and effervescent skin would impose its law, shaking the serenity and innocence of true love.

But no one else was waiting for me in the destiny and that is why the great encounter could take place.

I walked slowly along the seashore, letting myself be caressed by the shy foam that each impetuous wave dragged to my feet.

I fiddled with the infinite number of heart-shaped pebbles that surprised me, hidden in the vast expanse of sand.

I surrendered myself completely to the penetrating rays of the sun, which pierced the epidermis and touched the vibrant depths of my being.

The salty, breezy water enveloped my body until I melted into its liquid immensity and became one with it.

I made love with me.

Free, pulsating, wild, innocent, powerful and alive.

It was in this way that I met my first great love again.

That Love… that was always Me.

by Ana Winiya

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